Living Life In Suspense
Typically, I have a neat and tidy post for you, one with a beginning, middle, and end. Today isn't that kind of post, though.
Today I just feel overwhelmed by living life in suspense.
It's the nature of grad student life. Your future is naturally uncertain. I'm not sure what other disciplines are like, but theology is one where the jobs are few and far between, and you go where the job is. Andrew has been working so, so hard and he's nearing the completion of his dissertation draft. That's huge! But it's also a big reminder that we're soon going to embark on the next chapter of our marriage.
There is a chance we could land here for another year or more (especially since most doctoral programs will offer at least an adjunct teaching position to their students if they don't have a job at graduation). But there's an even greater possibility we could end up someplace entirely different, entirely unfamiliar, entirely new.
And I'm just so tired of living life in suspense.
God has been so incredibly good to our family. I do trust that whatever He provides next for us, it will be good. But right now...I just wish I had a better sense of what the future holds.
I think this is even harder, given the fact that our oldest will be starting Kindergarten next year. Naturally, I want to try to discern schooling options for her...but I can't. I can't look for a good school, or co-op, or homeschooling community, or anything because I have no idea where we'll be.
It's hard. And, it's lonely. So lonely. I'm surrounded by wonderful, wonderful friends, but all of them (but one, who's husband is in Andrew's program) are stable, settled, and know where they'll be next year. Unless there are unforeseen circumstances, they'll be right here. And me? I could be anywhere.
Usually, it just feels like an adventure. Usually, it's exciting to know that Andrew and I will continue to take that leap of faith and trust God will provide. He always has before.
But today, I'm stuck home with two sick girls (and have been for days...other than a brief trip to the ER), and my poor husband will have to work the long hours he works every day (he's teaching four classes while writing a dissertation and still helping out so much with the girls and our home and is basically my hero at this point). And I'm tired. This grad school stuff is hard. It was hard when we were both in grad school, and it's hard now that Andrew's in the final stretch of grad school. So much of a marriage is learning to help each other carry your crosses, and I have to say that there is no one else I'd rather be yoked with than my Andrew.
But today, I'm just tired. Today, I'm just longing to see the other end of the tunnel.
How about you?
(p.s. Super bonus points if you can guess what city these pictures were taken in. They're a bit of a throwback.)