Wednesday, December 2, 2015

It's So Hard to Trust

I'm trying to trust God, right now, at this weird juncture our family is at. Andrew is about to defend his dissertation. (Next week! Prayers, please!) And he is in the middle of filling out and submitting a million job applications. And...the uncertainty is more overwhelming than I thought it would be.

I'm a planner. And I want to be able to plan. But I can't. I have no idea where we'll be a year from now. I remember being in this place before, when we were finishing up our Master's degrees, and Andrew was applying to PhD programs across the country, I remember feeling this way. The uncertainty drove me crazy then, just like it does now.

When I'm filled with dread, thinking of having to uproot and leave behind our familiar home, parish, and support network, I try to remember how that last transition went. I remember when we took the trip to find a home to rent, and I was crying in the car on the drive down because I did not want to leave the home we'd built. I didn't want to move to a completely different part of the country. I didn't want to leave behind everyone and everything I knew.

Needless to say, it all worked out. And I learned from the experience that I can trust God to provide. I can't imagine not being where we are right now, not having the incredible community of friends we're a part of. I can't imagine not getting to know the incredible men at the seminary. (There wasn't a seminary for Andrew to teach at where we used to live. The closest seminary sent their men to the university.)

So, I can see how God unfolded our life here in incredible ways, ways that I could have never anticipated. That does make this uncertainty slightly easier to deal with. God has more than proved Himself trustworthy in our lives.

It is an additional challenge, though, now having a daughter of school age. I want to figure out what we're doing next year, and there's no way that I can plan that. I had wondered if sending our girl to a brick and mortar school this year would convert me to that way of life - but it hasn't. If anything, it's strengthened the call we feel to homeschool, to have a different sort of lifestyle, at least while people in our home are so little. But, at the same time, Andrew and I have both discerned that our oldest is social enough and has had a positive enough experience in school this year, that a classroom experience outside of our home needs to be a part of her education. If we stay where we currently are, there are tons of possible options for part time schooling/part time homeschooling. But we may not be here next year.

It's hard to trust, so hard. I look at my friends, most (other than our grad school friends) in a place of such stability. I had a good long talk with a friend yesterday who's planning on sending her kids to a part-time school that Andrew and I feel very drawn to. But, as I was talking to her, I realized - I don't know where my oldest can go to school next year. 



I know it's totally crazy, but I keep feeling this strong tug to bring my oldest home, even sooner than next year. But, discernment like this involves the whole family, and our family as a whole has discerned otherwise. But...oh my goodness...I miss doing school at home. I miss working my way through a curriculum with our oldest.

But...it's all in God's hands. For now, I think that's an alright (albeit difficult) place to be.

6 comments:

  1. Saying a prayer for you all! Uncertainty is so frustrating :(

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  2. Uncertainty is so hard. Praying for your peace of mind.

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  3. I've been in your place SO many times. It is SUCH a hard place to be. I can totally relate to the whole uncertaintly and "where will be be living" and job uncertainty and finding a job. It is hard. Prayers for you and your peace of mind.

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  4. I hate uncertainty when it comes to knowing where your home will be. I think it's one of the worst things to have be an unknown
    Prayers for you, friend!

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  5. I hate uncertainty when it comes to knowing where your home will be. I think it's one of the worst things to have be an unknown
    Prayers for you, friend!

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  6. I feel you! I am a planner too and when I can't plan, it drives me crazy. We are not entirely sure where we'll be next year either and trying to plan homeschool and a life is nearly impossible. But Advent is a good time to practice waiting, at least that's what I tell myself. Prayers for you!

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