I am so tired.
Maybe it's from nearly reaching the end of the marathon that has been grad school for this family. Having a husband on the verge of defending his doctoral dissertation is amazing and surreal. But mostly, it's just amazing.
I also had hoped and prayed I'd have a pregnancy announcement by now...but no such luck. Secondary infertility really stinks. I feel bad complaining because I have two incredibly beautiful children, but when you're surrounded by one pregnancy announcement after another, it's hard not to feel discouraged sometimes. I think this is especially the case when you go through nausea that's even worse than normal morning sickness...and you're not even pregnant. Thankfully, my nausea is no longer a constant thing, but there are stretches of time where it returns and it's awful. I feel like I could manage it if I knew that I was growing another child, but to have the awfulness of nausea and no new child to show for it? No, no fun.
I did recently receive a beautiful e-mail from a fellow hyperemesis gravidarum sufferer. On the days when I'm exhausted and just want to hang up my blogging hat, I get an e-mail like that and it makes me feel like soldiering on. I've taken it to prayer, too - although there are many of you I am by no means a big time blogger, and sometimes that's discouraging. BUT I've taken it to prayer, and I feel like God is nudging my heart to just connect with whoever I connect with and not worry about my readership numbers. That realization has given me tremendous peace.
To that dear mama with HG (and any other HG sufferers who read this)...please, please, PLEASE don't give up! You aren't alone, and I 110% promise that it will be worth it. I always tell first time HG sufferers that the first time is the hardest because you don't know what the end result is like. Although I my HG was worse my second pregnancy, I still think that pregnancy was waaaay easier, just because I was able to spend my days looking at the beautiful result of my first HG pregnancy. I'd imagine it will be the same the third time, whenever we are so blessed.
A priest friend recently shared with me a story about St. Therese, and about how she always said that God answered her prayers at the exact right time. Hearing that filled me with peace. If God wills for us to have another child - we will. If God wills us to have to move to a new place next year for a new job- it will be alright. All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.
In the meantime, I pray daily for the grace of abundant patience. I realized recently that I was just asking God for the grace to survive each day and that I needed much more than mere survival. I feel like He has answered my prayer for patience (mainly directed at the smallest member of our family who is full-fledged two years old).