Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Living Life In Suspense

Typically, I have a neat and tidy post for you, one with a beginning, middle, and end. Today isn't that kind of post, though. 

Today I just feel overwhelmed by living life in suspense

It's the nature of grad student life. Your future is naturally uncertain. I'm not sure what other disciplines are like, but theology is one where the jobs are few and far between, and you go where the job is. Andrew has been working so, so hard and he's nearing the completion of his dissertation draft. That's huge! But it's also a big reminder that we're soon going to embark on the next chapter of our marriage.



There is a chance we could land here for another year or more (especially since most doctoral programs will offer at least an adjunct teaching position to their students if they don't have a job at graduation). But there's an even greater possibility we could end up someplace entirely different, entirely unfamiliar, entirely new.

And I'm just so tired of living life in suspense.

God has been so incredibly good to our family. I do trust that whatever He provides next for us, it will be good. But right now...I just wish I had a better sense of what the future holds.

I think this is even harder, given the fact that our oldest will be starting Kindergarten next year. Naturally, I want to try to discern schooling options for her...but I can't. I can't look for a good school, or co-op, or homeschooling community, or anything because I have no idea where we'll be. 

It's hard. And, it's lonely. So lonely. I'm surrounded by wonderful, wonderful friends, but all of them (but one, who's husband is in Andrew's program) are stable, settled, and know where they'll be next year. Unless there are unforeseen circumstances, they'll be right here. And me? I could be anywhere. 

Usually, it just feels like an adventure. Usually, it's exciting to know that Andrew and I will continue to take that leap of faith and trust God will provide. He always has before.



But today, I'm stuck home with two sick girls (and have been for days...other than a brief trip to the ER), and my poor husband will have to work the long hours he works every day (he's teaching four classes while writing a dissertation and still helping out so much with the girls and our home and is basically my hero at this point). And I'm tired. This grad school stuff is hard. It was hard when we were both in grad school, and it's hard now that Andrew's in the final stretch of grad school. So much of a marriage is learning to help each other carry your crosses, and I have to say that there is no one else I'd rather be yoked with than my Andrew.

But today, I'm just tired. Today, I'm just longing to see the other end of the tunnel. 

How about you? 

(p.s. Super bonus points if you can guess what city these pictures were taken in. They're a bit of a throwback.)

17 comments:

  1. YES. All of this. My husband is working on his PhD in music theory, and we will be moving somewhere (wherever the job is) just before my oldest starts first grade. It feels strange to be living the uncertain life of a college student in tandem with raising a family. It is hard to make friends or become involved here, because I know it is just a stop on the road. I am so ready for this season of life to be over! I just try to put my trust in God's plan and live my life day by day.

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    1. Ohhhhh, my goodness! YES to all of the above! I can totally relate!!! Especially to the phrase "uncertain life of a college student in tandem with raising a family." Yessssss. Just yes. Glad someone else gets it!

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  2. Thank you! This is exactly where I'm at right now: we're living with my inlaws (who are great) while J waits to find out if this temporary job is permanent, while all our stuff is 4000 miles away. I'll cancel the pity party and offer up our day of teething for you guys. :-)

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    1. Ahhhh...how could I have forgotten about the Gerardis! Misery loves company? I'll be praying for you guys!

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  3. I so feel your pain. We've spent a good portion of our marriage in that uncertain place. There were a few years, where we thought we were settled, but then we would become uprooted again. We're currently settled and own a house, but I still don't feel totally settled. I think I've spent too much time in uncertain land, that I'm having a hard time believing that anything is for certain or long-term.

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    1. YES! Oh my goodness, it's just hard being surrounded by people who are fairly settled, yet feeling so incredibly unsettled!

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  4. Wife of a constant student here (finishing up his Associates when we got married, then did his Bachelors, and now 3000 out of 8000 hours through his carpentry apprenticeship with classes one night a week). It does feel interminable, because who knows what will come next? Will he get a decent job? When will we actually be able to afford to live on his salary? Will we ever be able to move out of living spaces that are 500 sq ft?? Oh, the questions! Hang in there, we can all pray for each other in this tricky spot. :)

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  5. Hi Michele! I don't comment on blogs much, but I can absolutely relate to what you are going through. We were in that same holding period for quite awhile before we ended up here in Milwaukee (Conor is teaching at Marquette). Some of Conor's classmates got placed while others are on the job market again this year. I'll pray that you'll have peace during this time of waiting for God's plan to be revealed :)
    If you ever want to chat, send me a facebook message.

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    1. haha, obviously i don't comment much as it doesn't show my name. not sure how to fix that. this is kate kelly :)

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    2. Ohhhhh my goodness. You get it! I didn't realize that Conor was already teaching?! We need to chat, for sure.

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  7. I remember going through this about this time last year. I was very pregnant with my youngest and we were house shopping. And it took us months longer than it should have and our apartment lease was up and I just needed to know where were going to be so I could have my baby and nest and prepare. It all worked out, but oh my goodness...as a mother, we just have this need to prepare and keep a home. And when we don't know where that home will be, it's so unnerving and stressful.

    Also, if you happen to move closer to KC...I'd be okay with that and could totally help you figure out the area and where all the good places to live are :-)

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    1. Seriously....the knowledge that there's a network I can tap into for new friends actually makes me feel waaaaay calmer!

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  8. Michelle,
    I am an uber planner. I seriously plan constantly. Right now, we have been sitting on our suitcases, so to speak, because we are finally buying a bigger home. Every time we talk to our realtor, she says we will be closing any day, it's been three months. On top of which I'm selling my parent's home which is another long process waiting for things to happen. It has been getting me down.

    However, I read your post and remembered something. Before starred homeschooling, I did three years of research and debating to decide what to do. When I finally committed to homeschooling, I spent six months finding the perfect co op and more months getting the perfect curriculum. Less than a week before co op was set to.start, I got a call that it had been cancelled!!! I freaked out! I kid you not. However, a brand new co op started that same week and I jumped on board "until I could find something better." Six years later we are still there, it is the only part of homeschooling we haven't changed. My point is that it is hard to wait, but being able to plan doesn't always work out either, either way, God has a plan that is perfect!

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  9. With you Michelle! Jeff graduated law school in May, we are waiting till October ish to hear bar results, and at that point the place we think will hire him said they will do an official interview. Then we'll see...

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    1. Ahhhh...it stinks, doesn't it? All the waiting!

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  10. You know I'm there with you, friend! The process this year is so long and scary. Applying for jobs now, not finding out about interviews until late fall, then if he does get interviews, not finding out about getting a second interview until sometime after... and then not getting the final word until the spring! Potentially in the late spring! Gah! It is such a source of anxiety. Adding on the fact that there are so few jobs out there that even some of the best people don't get a job is just... soul crushing.

    Ok sorry for the whine. ;) Just know you aren't alone! And heck, maybe someday all of us grad wives will end up at the same place. We can dream right?!

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